Time to let it out.

I have been feeling so lonely.

People have talked for ages about how once they got pregnant, it seemed like no one was interested in being around them anymore.  I didn't think much of it--in fact, I was pretty much one that just kept about my life and kept doing the things I always did, which was going out to drink and party.

My moment of realization was when I was in Phoenix.  A few entries ago, I talked about how annoyed I was with my best friend's roommate, how she was ALWAYS THERE, and I felt like she was the reason that I only really spent two days of the trip actually hanging out together, and the rest of the trip was spent with her.  I think what I just didn't want to admit to myself is that I wasn't mad at her roommate, I was mad at her.  I was and still kind of am mad at her, for lack of better terms, for ditching me to go party.

I'm a reasonable girl.  I admit that this isn't her baby.  I admit that its not her responsibility to change what she does because of me.  But I do wish that if she didn't want me to be there, that if I was just going to cramp her weekend style, that she wouldn't have seemed so gung ho and excited for me to visit.  That Saturday night was supposed to be our girls night.  We were going to do our nails together and watch chick flicks.  I thought we'd be hanging out until we passed out.  Instead, we did our nails together with The Soup playing in the background, while her roommate sat there clearly bored waiting for her to decide that they were going to go.  I realized then that the plan wasn't to have a girls night with me, it was to placate me until they thought I'd be so tired I wouldn't mind they were leaving to go have "real" fun.  It was a fucking pity party.  NOT ONCE, through my whole pregnancy, have I felt like a burden upon anyone, or did I mind missing out on things like that.  What did I care?  I'm having a baby, the most joyous thing in the world, right?  But that night, I was something to deal with.  Someone that they HAD to hang out with for awhile.

Now that I'm home, I can't help but notice every single person that more or less avoids me now that I'm pregnant.  I can't help but notice the things I don't get invited to, and more importantly, the things that Tony does now that I know I'm not welcome to do.

His best friend calls him EVERY SINGLE NIGHT to come over and drink, smoke, and hang out with him.  I'm never invited.  And why would I be?  I'm just the pregnant girl.  I can't drink, I can't smoke, and I'm sensible enough to know I wouldn't have fun being the sober one.  I KNOW THIS.

But it still FUCKING HURTS.  It hurts that no one calls and asks to hang out with me for a few hours.  That now that I'm pregnant I'm basically dead in the eyes of so many people.  I can't help but resent the fact that most of the other people I know that are pregnant right now or have been pregnant recently are married and whose friends aren't doing what they should be in their twenties.  I hate that I feel so pathetic that its like no one wants to be around me.  And I can't blame them for it.  I was just like them.  I didn't get it.  Now I get it.

I can tell I annoy Tony when I get upset that he leaves to go hang out for a bit.  I see it in his face; he doesn't want to be made to feel badly about having a social life.  But why doesn't he understand that everytime he goes, I feel badly about NOT having one?  That I feel so pathetic that no one wants to be my friend anymore, and no one wants to be around me and when he goes I feel like he doesn't even want to be around me, that being with the person that he made a baby with isn't nearly as fun as going to party for a couple hours with his boys.  Its not fucking fair.  Its just NOT FUCKING FAIR.  Is it so terrible that I want someone to want to be around me?  I don't want company, I WANT TO BE WANTED.

I want to feel... not so lonely anymore.

Until then--