To My Son:

I love the way your hair looks after a bath--fluffy and downy--and how it dries almost instantly
I love your gummy, toothless smile
I love the way you stretch your whole body when someone picks you up after sleeping
I love when you make a teeny, tiny "o" with your lips and look around
I love your long fingers
I love the hair on your shoulders
I love the way you completely relax when you eat
I love the way your curl up your lip into a half-smile as you drift off to sleep
I love the way you look around at the world, taking in everything you can see
I love the way you sigh a huge sigh of relief once you are calmed after being SO upset
I love the way you always try to sleep with your face covered--blankets, hands, anything
I love how much you love water--the sound of it, being in the bathtub--you are so content
I love how you lightly scratch your fingers on my shoulder when you fall asleep on it
I love the tuft of hair on the top of your head and how it stands every which way
I love how your eyes light up exactly like your father's eyes do when you smile
I love when you "yell" out to the world, quite possibly just to hear your own voice out loud
I love the way you growl at me when your searching for food
I love the way you sleep with your body stretched out--like daddy
I love you, my Tristan-boo--you will always have my heart

When people say looks don't matter, they truly lie.

Let me be clear about my post title--I think that people that claim that looks aren't important are liars.  Appearance is important to most if not all people--you CARE about how you look before you leave the house, presenting yourself a certain way, no matter what that appearance is.  Even if you're cool with rolling out of bed and leaving the house in the grubbiest clothes you own, there are still things or styles of clothes you would refuse to wear.  Because it would feel ridiculous for you to be doing it.  Why is it embarrassing to realize your fly has been down or you've had food stuck in your teeth all day?  Because you have no idea who or how many people saw you that way.

So, my reasoning for making this post today? I've been pretty down about how much weight I gained and my general body changes during pregnancy, and it sucks.  It's making me really down, and I can't help but feel stressed about it.  I get so mad when I see all these people who only gained a small amount of weight and lost it right away and pretty much look like they didn't even have a baby.

Here I am, a month postpartum, and I have lost only 20 lbs.  about 7 and a half of that was the baby.  That means I've only lost the extra weight of the baby, the placenta, enlarged uterus, and additional fluids inside of me.  You may think that 20 lbs is a lot.  It's not, compared to the fact that I gained 62 lbs between the day I found out I was pregnant and the day I went into labor with Tristan.  That isn't even considering that I lost 15 lbs in the first trimester.  Between the second and third, I somehow managed to gain 77 lbs, most of which was gained at the end in fluids, because I was swollen like a mofo.

This number would probably bug me, but what bugs me more is how I feel generally wider, and my stomach is not flat for the first time, and covered in deep, angry stretch marks. 

So today, after living in yoga pants, gauchos, sweats, leggings, skirts, and dresses, I went to Plato's Closet to get some jeans.  The pair I found which fit quite nicely was 3 sizes larger than I normally wear.  It was really disappointing.

So here is where I am now, the new starting point I guess:

What is most frustrating is that I had a rough birth which means I can't start exercising as early as I wanted, with good reason.  I plan on going on some pretty frequent walks soon.

I just want to feel better again.  Because like I was saying, looks matter... in the sense that our own looks matter to us.  The aim?  Get back here:

Winter 2009-2010.  Not my smallest, but good for me.

Right after we moved in to new apartment, shortly before Tristan was conceived.  Wink wink ;)

Onward we go...I guess.

I have spent three hours trying to articulate in my mind, to myself, how I feel at this moment.

The tears have been falling and haven't stopped, except for the occasional dry spell.  Then these thought bubbles resurface and I find my face wet yet again and my heart feeling heavier than the moment before.

Tonight, we went to see his family and friends for a birthday party.  I had a great time chatting with friends and seeing Tony's family.  As we drove home I told him what a great time I had, and he told me the same.

I didn't realize until later just how wonderful that made me feel--how special I felt, how loved I felt.  You never really realize those types of things until you feel otherwise.

When we got home, almost immediately he said he was going to another friends house for an hour or so.  My heart sank, but why?  It's just an hour, after all.

But he had been drinking, not a lot, but enough to make me worry.  I expressed how I felt, and of course, he got offended.  No one likes being told their too drunk to drive, I've noticed.


But there was something else, the thing that made me spill over in tears, but in that moment, I just couldn't put the words together--even to myself in my mind--as to why I felt so... hurt.

It was because the night was so wonderful... it hurt me to think that even though it was, it wasn't enough to just be with me tonight.  I wasn't enough.  I felt foolish for even thinking for a second that he would just want to be with me that night, that there wouldn't be some other need to fill, that I would have filled it.  I felt like all I wanted was to be enough, and I just wasn't.  I kept thinking of our anniversary night, and how I had to beg him not to go to his friends house.  I felt so pathetic and desperate, begging my boyfriend to stay with just me on the night of our anniversary.

So I didn't beg--I just couldn't feel that pathetic again.

He came back again after an hour, and I was still crying.  He was good to me--told me he loved me, made us a late night snack, poured me lemonade.  He asked me if I was OK, and I lied and said I was.  I wasn't, and I'm still not.  I still feel lower than low.  I still feel not good enough.

Will I ever feel good enough?

Time to let it out.

I have been feeling so lonely.

People have talked for ages about how once they got pregnant, it seemed like no one was interested in being around them anymore.  I didn't think much of it--in fact, I was pretty much one that just kept about my life and kept doing the things I always did, which was going out to drink and party.

My moment of realization was when I was in Phoenix.  A few entries ago, I talked about how annoyed I was with my best friend's roommate, how she was ALWAYS THERE, and I felt like she was the reason that I only really spent two days of the trip actually hanging out together, and the rest of the trip was spent with her.  I think what I just didn't want to admit to myself is that I wasn't mad at her roommate, I was mad at her.  I was and still kind of am mad at her, for lack of better terms, for ditching me to go party.

I'm a reasonable girl.  I admit that this isn't her baby.  I admit that its not her responsibility to change what she does because of me.  But I do wish that if she didn't want me to be there, that if I was just going to cramp her weekend style, that she wouldn't have seemed so gung ho and excited for me to visit.  That Saturday night was supposed to be our girls night.  We were going to do our nails together and watch chick flicks.  I thought we'd be hanging out until we passed out.  Instead, we did our nails together with The Soup playing in the background, while her roommate sat there clearly bored waiting for her to decide that they were going to go.  I realized then that the plan wasn't to have a girls night with me, it was to placate me until they thought I'd be so tired I wouldn't mind they were leaving to go have "real" fun.  It was a fucking pity party.  NOT ONCE, through my whole pregnancy, have I felt like a burden upon anyone, or did I mind missing out on things like that.  What did I care?  I'm having a baby, the most joyous thing in the world, right?  But that night, I was something to deal with.  Someone that they HAD to hang out with for awhile.

Now that I'm home, I can't help but notice every single person that more or less avoids me now that I'm pregnant.  I can't help but notice the things I don't get invited to, and more importantly, the things that Tony does now that I know I'm not welcome to do.

His best friend calls him EVERY SINGLE NIGHT to come over and drink, smoke, and hang out with him.  I'm never invited.  And why would I be?  I'm just the pregnant girl.  I can't drink, I can't smoke, and I'm sensible enough to know I wouldn't have fun being the sober one.  I KNOW THIS.

But it still FUCKING HURTS.  It hurts that no one calls and asks to hang out with me for a few hours.  That now that I'm pregnant I'm basically dead in the eyes of so many people.  I can't help but resent the fact that most of the other people I know that are pregnant right now or have been pregnant recently are married and whose friends aren't doing what they should be in their twenties.  I hate that I feel so pathetic that its like no one wants to be around me.  And I can't blame them for it.  I was just like them.  I didn't get it.  Now I get it.

I can tell I annoy Tony when I get upset that he leaves to go hang out for a bit.  I see it in his face; he doesn't want to be made to feel badly about having a social life.  But why doesn't he understand that everytime he goes, I feel badly about NOT having one?  That I feel so pathetic that no one wants to be my friend anymore, and no one wants to be around me and when he goes I feel like he doesn't even want to be around me, that being with the person that he made a baby with isn't nearly as fun as going to party for a couple hours with his boys.  Its not fucking fair.  Its just NOT FUCKING FAIR.  Is it so terrible that I want someone to want to be around me?  I don't want company, I WANT TO BE WANTED.

I want to feel... not so lonely anymore.

Until then--

So not long after my last posting, Tony came home since I texted him and told him I by myself.  I'm glad he was sweet enough to consider that I was by myself.

On Mother's Day, Tony was finally able to feel the baby kick from the outside!  Baby gets stronger and stronger each day, I can't wait to see his little face in September. :)

I had a good time in Phoenix, but I really wish that I could have spent more time with my best friend.  At first, I was surprised that her roommate and closest friend from growing up in Omaha didn't seem to be around my the first couple days.  I even said to her, "Wow, I'm surprised I haven't seen her once."  Jinx.  After that, it seemed like any time I saw Becca, there she was.  I never really minded her before, probably because when I saw her, she was visiting here when Becca lived here, and in essence, she was on my turf.  This time though, it was the other way around--it's like, I'm only here for five days, and she's constantly there, talking about what they're going to do last week, what this friend of theirs or that friend of theirs was doing, and staring at me like I was some idiot intruding on their space.

Maybe I should have just said something to Becca, but I didn't want to start drama.  It really made me feel so distant from her, like I didn't fit into her world anymore, and her friend was out to make sure that I knew it.  I think that's why it hurt when she left that night to go out and drink with her.  I felt like I was putting her out by just being in town and being pregnant.  It really hurt.  Coming home this time around was really bittersweet.  She'll always be my best friend, and her family like a second family to me.  I just hate feeling like we're moving in two very opposite directions.  I know that this baby is a huge change, and a positive one for me, I would just really hate for him to be the reason why there is a disconnect with one of the most important people in my life.

When we got home, it was close to 8 our time, so we didn't do much other than catch up on shows we had missed while we were gone and sleep.   We both took the day off today, and got A LOT done.  Besides basic tidying up, we managed to get alot of the baby's room organized and cleaned out, and made space on our bookshelf for his books.  We want to get him a brand new crib, and a little dresser for his clothes.  His bedroom will turn out quite nicely when we're done, I think.

After that we went to the grocery store and got food for the week.  I'm focused on being sure to eat healthy foods from here on out.  After visiting the grocery store, we stopped at Wal-mart to pick up a few non-food items, such as a new pitcher to make juices and tea in, a paper shredder, new sink guards, and some food for Zuma.  As soon as I got everything put away, Tony went to a friends house to hang out, and I started making dinner.

I started with making homemade tortilla chips (yum!).  That took me about half an hour, after which I texted Tony and told him that dinner would be ready in about 20 minutes.  He said he'd be there soon.  I grilled chicken in lime juice, steamed broccoli and topped it with cheese, washed some strawberries, and topped it off with some pink lemonade that I made in my new pitcher.  The dinner was really cute!  I put alot of effort into it and made the table look really nice--strawberries into cute bowls, folded the napkins nice, and even chilled the glasses for the lemonade.

Frustratingly, Tony was late for dinner.  I really hate sometimes when he goes off with friends and seems to lose track of time, especially since I spent so much time and put so much effort into dinner.  I probably shouldn't complain, he's always so supportive and there for me and I don't want to make it sound like he isn't by any means, but we all have things that we wish were a little better, don't we?

I'm just in a melencholy mood tonight.  Hopefully I'll be in a bit of a better mood in my next post.  I'll also try to put up Phoenix pictures.  There isn't alot-- we didn't really take much, especially since I have a complex about "looking like a tourist".  But there are some. :)

Until then--

Its nights like this that I don't know how to express how I feel.  I'm not sure if I feel sad about being pregnant, or just being a woman in particular.

I am in Phoenix, visiting my best friend.  But I'm alone right now, because I am pregnant.

Tony is out with his cousin, and I thought I would be OK with it because I wouldn't be alone... I didn't consider that Becca would probably go out too.  I didn't consider that I would be constantly reminded of all the things I could not do; that everyone else can do.  I can't drink, I can't seem to do much of anything without having to use the bathroom every half hour.

I can't help but feel resentful of the fact that it took two of us to make this baby, but the one who has to change is me.  I don't want to be the one to tell anyone what they can and can't do.  But how come I'm the only one who is limited?  How come I have to stay home alone?  I know I'm being so melodramatic--its just one night, after all. 

I just feel so alone.

Why is a porn site linking to me?

 I was just checking out my "stats", and looking at to sites which directed people here, and for some reason, this one site directed at least one person here and its obviously a porn site! Um, OK.... there's absolutely nothing pornographic on this site at all! I mean, I know I'm not and all... (hahaha).

Moving past that random complaint, I haven't written in awhile, although I've thought about it, just been rather, ahem, busy. But I feel like I've been bursting with things to say at least, so maybe, once your done looking at porn, you can take a breather and come read my random ramblings? Or maybe I'll bore you back to the porn, I don't know.

So, the things I've been up to:

1) Still pregnant. lol. I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow and am totally excited to find out if we're having a boy or a girl next Monday! Wearing my new favorite dress :)

19 Weeks and loving my peanut!

2) Had a photo adventure. OK, so it's only four pictures, but basically details what I was up to a couple of Monday's ago when Tony was out of town and needed A LOT of errands run for him. So here is the series I sent him!  Warning: I'm wearing absolutely no makeup, but I make up for it with a very cute purple hat :P

First stop was the post office!  Had to mail off Tony's Tax return, deadline was midnight that night!

After that, I went to the bank to deposit money into both of our accounts.  Not the best picture, but I had to get the bank in there.  Remember, this was a photo adventure for Tony :P

City Hall to obtain a contractor's code book for our favorite out of town hero boyfriend :)

And the last stop was for me!  Had to get my weekly pizza bagel and mocha frappe from Bagel Boy!  Posing in front of one of their many paintings

3) Zuma is as crazy as ever. Lately, she's taken to hiding in Tony's backpack. I think she is hoping he won't notice someday when he goes out of town and takes her with him, which is ridiculous, because she HATES traveling. It's either her forgetting that she hates to travel, or her just liking to squeeze herself into random small places.

"How the heck did you find me??"

Oh, and here she is being adorable and looking out the window. :)

Sunshine!  I are watch cat!

4) Went to Laos New Year! My camera was being ridiculous and ran out of battery juice, so I had one of our friends snap this lone picture of Tony and I at the festivities. YES, I know my boobs are huge looking. Maybe that's why porn is linking here? I'm pregnant people! I can't help it!

Jbano's thumb was in the way, but that's alright, we still like him. :)

5) Easter Sunday was my time to play with all my little cousins! I only managed to get pictures of two of them, but absolutely adored playing with my youngest first cousin Mailey. She's half Vietnamese, so I'm excited that my baby will have another half Asian cousin that doesn't come from Tony's side of the family! She was so adorable the whole time, I hope my little one is as sweet as her! The little baby boy is Matthew, so smiley, I couldn't get over how cute he was either! He has an older brother, a two year old named Jesse, pictured much farther back on this blog at my cousin's wedding, pulling on Auntie's wedding dress. If you care to look, go look. He was quite the handful! Two year olds, lol.


 

Me and Mailey

Baby Matthew!  So cute!

Hugs!

The only thing that really sucked about this Easter was dealing with my mother. When my mom showed up, she seemed like she was in a good mood, and as the rest of the adults finished making Easter lunch and I finished playing with the kids, I couldn't help but notice that my mom had went missing. We found her in the backseat of her car, trying to "sleep".

A little background, I've always had kind of a volatile relationship with my mom. She gets depressed easily, and has always done ridiculously dramatic things that I always feel are for a little bit of attention. She's also a gambling addict. Slowly but surely, she has lost the trust of the majority of our family members. As a kid, she would gamble the rent away, get the electricity shut off, the phone shut off, and always have an excuse that didn't have to do with gambling.

When I was fourteen, we were removed from my mother's care and placed into my grandparent's custody by the state. Our relationship really went downhill at that point, because she blamed me for it. The day the police came to our apartment, I had finally gotten a chance to sleep over at my grandparents without my brothers and sisters, as I was being forced to babysit every single day for free, while my mom worked two jobs that never seemed to generate any income (Gambling). We started to mend our relationship as I got older, but I always remained weary of her, never giving her money when she asked, never going out of my way to "help her out". She was always 'out of gas', always 'between pay checks', and ALWAYS had an excuse. A lot of the things I resent from my childhood, I resent because of her. Because she would always do things "for her kids" but it was always clear to me that the only person she was thinking of was herself.

Fast-forward to Easter this year. As I said, everything was going fine, I even felt like I had lucked out because the aunts of mine who had previously disowned me (also previously discussed on this blog) weren't there, and all of my favorite relatives from my mom's side were happy to see Tony and I and we were all enjoying each others company. Tony and I were having such fun playing with all the kids and getting some experience with little tykes before our little one comes. And then the mom drama starts. After we found her in the backseat of her car, my sister tried to convince her to come in and eat. She wouldn't do it. My uncle went to talk to her. Nothing. In the back of my mind, I had a feeling that she was expecting me to come give her attention, but I knew that the reason she was doing all this was to get attention, and I just wasn't going to put up with it.

So I ignored it. I'm just so sick and tired of this over-dramatic bullshit from her. Right now, she's facing eviction and called me to come get some of the things my grandmother willed to me from her apartment because "they'll probably lock her out and then she'll lose all her stuff because she has nowhere to go and no one to help her". That basically turned out to be a ploy to get me to come over to her apartment, where she wasn't even trying to PACK anything up for herself to at least get into her car or anything, and talk about her boyfriend, whom I despise, and let her know that I didn't give a flying fuck about anything that has to do with him and I wouldn't hear of it. She ended up keeping me at her apartment to 'talk' and acted like nothing was wrong, like she didn't even care that she was putting all this stress of her never ending issues onto her pregnant daughter. I left with my books (my willed items, I loved reading them when I was a kid), and vowed to not get sucked in like that again. Which is why I chose to ignore her this time around. The way I see it, she wasn't getting the attention she wanted, and so she decided she would get the attention one way or another.

When my sister tried to talk to her, she told her that she didn't want to "lie to everyone when they asked her how things were going" and that she knew it would just be better if "she weren't there". After awhile, she had my younger brother get their things and come out to the car, and left with him. Then, she came right back and dropped my brother off, telling him to "Have Kaitie bring him home." Kaitie (my sister), was literally just getting ready to leave to have Easter dinner with her fiance's family, and Tony and I were just getting ready to get some things done around the house. She just CAME BACK and then left my brother at my uncles with no consideration as to how it would affect anyone else. Which is another reason why I think it was all about attention.

All of this crap makes me really weary of the idea of my child spending any time with her. I had to grow up with this crap because she is my mother. But I do not want the burden of her dramatics placed on my children. My baby doesn't deserve to feel stressed about the fact that she has never bothered to grow up. To her, its what the world has done to her, and to her, there is nothing she can do to fix it. The only time she takes accountability for her actions, she's freaking out, crying, and saying things like "the world would be better without me". All I want to do is protect my peanut from things like this. I know we all get down sometimes, but I don't want my son or daughter exposed to that kind of behavior. I don't want them to think that there is a way they can "fix" her, because the only person who can "fix" her is herself, but until she starts being accountable for her role in her own situations, that isn't going to happen.

Blah, I'm glad to get that out.

We'll close today with an old school picture of me and the bestie, whom I will get to see in LESS THAN A WEEK! PHOENIX HERE WE COME!!!!!

 Until then--

For Michael

I haven't written in two weeks, because as usual, I've been, well, busy.  Between work and school starting again, the Hectic Train has set course yet again.  Usually, Mondays are a great day of solace, but last Monday was a big day of the start of closure.

On July 10 of last year, many, many people lost one of the kindest, sweetest, funniest, and most fun-loving person many of us had ever met.  To me, he was just a friend.  To his family and best friends, he was so much more.

On the night of July 9th, Michael and the rest of the guys were out and about having a good summer night.  During this time, Tony and I were going through a "growing up" period, where the both of us were making a conscious effort to spend less time out partying, and more time focusing on work and our futures.  Part of this was distancing ourselves from certain people in our lives-- not Michael, he was one of the only ones we were still spending time with regularly, but some of the people mutual friends that we shared.  Basically, a lot of old drama that need not be covered within this post.

Michael was riding with two of his best friends and a couple of other friends of ours.  The driver was sober (He loved his BMW like a baby), but unfortunately, the driver headed the wrong way down the interstate with a .211 BAC was not.  As they approached the exit she had entered on, the car in front of them swerved heavily, revealing a pair of bright headlights headed straight for them.  Corbin, the driver, swerved left to try to avoid the driver.  Instead of swerving away from them, she swerved toward them instead, rendering his attempt to get away from her car pointless.

That driver was Tammy Kvasnicka, someone who had been convicted of drinking and driving twice before, and caught other times in which the charges had been reduced to reckless driving.  If each and every time she had been caught resulted in a DUI conviction, she would have had a total of 4.  Why this state is consistently so lenient on repeat offenders is mind boggling.

The car crashed into Corbin's BMW on the passenger side, and caused damage from the driver side all the way back to the passenger side of the vehicle, where Michael was sitting.  The front seat passenger, Tony (not my Tony), suffered severe injuries from the crash, his right arm severely maimed.  He has had to go through several surgeries, including skin grafts and replacement of a nerve from his leg to his arm in an effort to regain use of his arm again, along with months of physical therapy.  As you can imagine, his arm hasn't healed, although he is truly lucky to even have his arm at all.

Michael lost his life right away.  Directly after the crash, his two best friends did everything they could to get him to wake up, respond in some way.  He never, ever woke up.  At just 27, this woman took away the life of one of the most wonderful people many of us have ever known.

Last Monday was her trial.

After three days of the case being presented (without the fact of her previous DUI convictions being made known to the jury), and six hours of deliberation, they found her guilty of Manslaughter with a Dangerous Weapon, Vehicular Homicide, Vehicular Battery, and DUI.  Her sentencing is in June.

The manslaughter charge is what the defense was trying to exonerate her of, saying that what she did was not excusable, but that the Manslaughter charge was too much for what she did.  Thankfully, the jury didn't agree.

Michael was special to all of us, but most of all, to his family.  He was so close with his brother, his nieces, his cousins, and his best friends.  He never had one bad thing to say about anyone, and even now, I'm sure that if he were here and it were someone else's loss we were mourning, he would simply stay quiet as well all expressed our disgust of this woman.  Hopefully, she spends the rest of her life in prison for the terrible loss she caused not only his family, not only his friends, but the world of this wonderful, loving spirit.

Hopefully, the video I made shortly after he was gone is viewable to more than just me.  I can't upload to Youtube because of the songs I used for it, copyright violation and whatnot.

So Michael Xayavong, I miss you, we all miss you.  I know your looking down on us, and miss us as much as we miss you.  Hopefully, we'll all be together again, one sweet day.

Probably my longest Hiatus thusfar

The sickness is pretty much done with, only now I'm just SO tired.  Hoping I'll get used to it.  Before, I was always so busy I'd be up until 2 in the morning entertaining myself after a long day of school, work, and other responsibilities.  Now, I can hardly stay awake past midnight on weekends, and bedtime has come closer to 11.  Still not enough!  People think I'm INSANE for how much I do on a daily basis.  That's life.

This Monday, I saw Beastly with my friends Rosa and Kaci, it was pretty cute!  Obviously a little corny, but nevertheless cute--after all, Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie as a young girl, and I'm such a sucker for romance it's sad!

Today marks my 14th week of pregnancy, it feels so crazy to be at this point!

Honestly, I don't have alot to say, I just felt guilty for not posting when I haven't abandoned this thing at all--I'm just as busy as ever, if not busier trying to get things ready for baby.

As for my living situation, we haven't had any more trouble with the neighbors... yet.  Not to say that that PSYCHOPATH won't try to get us in trouble yet again for nothing!  But, her boyfriend has clearly moved in, so maybe now that she's getting laid, she'll quit being such an uptight bitch.

I'll post again soon, I have quite a few pictures that I've taken and put up and wouldn't mind sharing!  But NO baby bump pictures.  Right now I just look fat, and I'm not one of those people who are interested in standing at my side to take pictures of my belly.  Not that there's anything wrong with it, its just I prefer to keep those pictures personal between Tony and I.  (Assuming people read this, which does NOT happen!)  Eventually, when my stomach becomes much more impressive, I think I'll take on the task of displaying to the world my progress. MAYBE.

Until then--

A few things

I decided that due to the ridiculous amount of exhaustion I'm experiencing, I'm just not going to bother reviewing the ridiculous amount of television I watch.  I know, I know, no one reads this so it doesn't really matter?  But I digress.  Not to say I won't be mentioning things from time to time, but I realized that the whole reason why I haven't blogged at ALL, even though I've spent plenty of time on Facebook, is that I'm procrastinating reviewing these shows.  I made this thing to be somewhat of an outlet for myself, and of course, turned it into an obligation--one that only I was holding myself accountable for.

So, no more of that, and more of getting back to just... typing, I guess.

When I found out I was pregnant, I quit taking my Wellbutrin.  Even though my doctor said it was OK to take, I just didn't want to be medicating my child with something.  I don't know how much of an effect its having on me, because apparently, being pregnant will get you ridiculously emotional, so  I can't really tell what the cause is of my haywire emotions.  Hopefully,  I can stay off it for good, I don't really like the idea of being medicated.

Tony's Christmas gift finally arrived last week!  I had ordered him Beats by Dre Studio headphones, since he's been drooling over them for the past couple hears, and needless to say, someone is a very happy boy!  I went with the white instead of the black, since I remembered him saying something about how they looked fresher.  He didn't wait long to show them off!

 

I think I definitely scored cool girlfriend points with this one :)

Weather here has been FREEZING.  Frigidly cold!  But there was no shadow on Groundhog's Day, and please, please, let it be right!  I'm ready for a little bit of warmth.

Superbowl Sunday was spent at home.  Tony's still been working out of town and will be for the next month-- I will be SO glad when he's finally home for good during the week!  Its tough being without him right now.  I'm exhausted, as I've said about fifty billion times, and the thing that's fallen by the wayside is chores.  My place feels like a disaster area but I just cant find the energy to get out of bed!  When I do force myself up and out to go to work, I just want to fall asleep as soon as I get home.  So dishes begin to stack, dust begins to collect, and cat toys seem to stay on the floor.  It would be alot easier if I had Tony here during the week to help pick up the slack.  He does alot when he's home but I feel badly because he's out of town all week and then comes home to take care of me.  I can't wait until I feel better.

But Sunday was nice, I was feeling alot better than I had been over the past few weeks, and got some solid playtime in with Zuma!  She's been pretty miserable since I've gotten sick--she cries constantly outside my door, I feel badly for that too!  Since it was Superbowl Sunday, I busted out her footballs on a string.  Zuma loves ANYTHING on a string.

Speaking of Zuma, I also got her a few new things today.  We've had the same dish for her for awhile, this elevated metal thing with a bowl for food and a bowl for water that you can easily remove.  But her tags on her collar would constantly get caught on it, and Zuma would FREAK out, try to yank her collar free, and end up getting food and water all over the kitchen.  Clean that up a few times, and in no time, you're replacing her cat dishes.  I got her these cute ceramic bowls that look like flowers, and also got her this cute little place mat that says "Meow" all over it so when she spills it won't be all over the floor and I can clean it alot easier.  I also couldn't resist picking up the cutest Valentine's Day collar for her!

Well, I'm pretty tired, I think I'll go to bed now.  Hopefully, now that I've mentally excused myself from feeling like I had some sort of homework to do with this thing, I'll do a better job of updating.

Until then--

KC's funeral was this weekend, and needless to say, it was really, really hard.  I saw her parents at the wake and they were absolutely devastated.

I wanted to write an entry about her, and scan some of the old photos I have as well as post some of the newer ones other friends have of her, but I can't get my scanner to work.  I'll have to have Tony look into it for me.  And the more I think about it, I'm just not ready to open up about her right now, it all hurts so so much.  I've lost too many friends recently, and it needs to stop.

One positive thing from the weekend was I got to spend time with a few friends from high school.  We went out for drinks the night before the funeral and caught up, and it was a really good time!  I hate that these were the circumstances we had to have in order to come together.

Teen Mom 2 aired tonight... and wow.  I want to get into it, but I'm so exhausted, I just want to sleep.  PLUS. I need to write about Jersey Shore yet, and the next episode will air Thursday night, which is also one of my good friend's birthdays!  So it turns out that BzB is, as usual, very, very busy.

Time for sleep, I wasn't even kidding.  Jersey Shore recap tomorrow, just in time for Thursday!

Until then--

With a Heavy Heart

I write today in sadness.  I'm just updating to update.  Today I wanted to write a good entry, all about Jersey Shore and my love for it, as it premiered tonight.  Thats definitely not happening tonight.  It probably won't happen til next week before the next episode actually.

The reason is that I just lost a very dear friend yesterday.  She rolled her car and died at the scene.  She was 24, and when she first moved here in the Seventh Grade, she was my best friend through sophomore year.

And now she's gone.  I need to get some sleep, I've only had a few hours in the past couple days-- so although I'm compelled to immortalize her right now, I need to rest, and prepare myself for dealing with seeing her for the very last time.  I'm just so sad, I just can't do it right now.

I thought my heart couldn't get more broken after I lost Abby a few weeks ago.  Now KC.

Next entry is hers. 100%.

Until then--

I can hardly see, my eyes are so bleary, and my heart hurts so badly, and I feel like I'll never stop crying.

I got a Facebook message from my ex-boyfriends either current girlfriend or more recent ex, not really certain, but we have hung out before and get along well, so a message from her wasn't surprising.  What it said was.

A few posts ago, when I went on and on about Zuma, I gave a little back story as to why I adopted her.  Like I said before, Abby was the reason I adopted her--because when my ex and I split, she stayed with him and I missed her so much I decided to adopt an animal myself to care for.  I still visited her, brought her treats and bought her collars, but tried not to visit so frequently to help myself with the separation not only from her and my ex, but to help get over the fact that that part of my life was over.  Still, I loved that dog more than anything, and to me, it was like a child.  I would come over to my ex's place and pick her up and walk her for hours, just walking and going to the park and playing.  But I hadn't been in a long while.  The last time I had visited was late February/early March.  The last time I had alone time with her was exactly one year ago.

Linda's message said that I needed to call my ex as soon as possible, because Abby was being put to sleep at that moment and he needed to be comforted.  When I read those words, I really could feel my heart sinking, sinking, sinking from my chest to my stomach.  She said that Abby had bitten my ex's grandmother.  The message had been sent four hours earlier.

When I called my ex, he told me that she had bitten a neighborhood boy a week earlier, and Animal Control traced the bite back to her and had her under observation for ten days.  On day 7, she bit his grandmother.  I know she's been aggressive her whole life-- we think it was because she was the run of the litter.  But I never thought she'd actually bite anyone, or that her aggressiveness had gotten so bad.

So now she's gone.  On Christmas Eve, she was taken and there's no way I can ever get her back.  I can't ever say goodbye, I won't ever pet her head, I won't ever hold a treat to the ground and say, "crawl" and have her come get the treat.  I won't ever see her ears bounce while I'm walking her, see her happy face when she brings a ball back for the 1000000th time in a row.  Never again.  And I chose to stay away to make things easier for myself, and all I've done is set myself up for heartache.

I love you Abby, and I wish I could have shown you just how much I loved you before you were gone.  You were born November 14th, 2007.  You came into my life December 24th, 2007.  And you've left my life on December 24th, 2010.  You were only three.  God, how I loved you.

OMG!!! IT'S BEEN ALMOST A WEEK!

I seriously can't believe how long its been since I've posted here!  I wish I could say I have been busier than normal, but I really haven't.  The boyfriend came in early this week, and we've been enjoying time together watching Christmas movies and of course, caught up on our favorite shows.

Not having him here has been quite the situation, but we make it work.  We definitely appreciate each other more when he comes home!

So, since I've been away for so long, and even though I don't think anyone actually even reads this, I'm going to make this entry rather lengthy and go through what I've been up to the past week.

Monday was pretty uneventful for me.  I didn't work that day, so I had the day to myself after school.  When class was out, I went to the courthouse to take care of a couple of tickets my boyfriend had gotten a couple weeks ago.  Since he was working out of town, I brought down his insurance card to prove he had insurance, and a check he had written out for a traffic violation.  Before I went in, I spent a good amount of time talking to my friend Autumn on the phone.  She's going through a terrible breakup, and I hadn't had chance to touch base with her until that day--plus, I wanted to give her time to herself, and didn't think having Miss I'm-So-In-Love around was going to help cheer her up in the least, especially right after it all happened.  So I sat in the courthouse parking lot in my car for 45 minutes talking with her about everything.

When I got home, I did some housework and then sat down to have some lunch.  Also got a little bit more decorating done-- we bought this great cityscape wall art that we hung above our couch, and have our eye on a few more things at different places in town.  Decorating has been going really slow with our budget, but at least its been going...right?

Anyhow, Monday's marks the night of my guilty pleasure, Gossip Girl.  I have been a HUGE fan of the books since I was in junior high, and actually own the entire series.  This season definitely has not been a disappointment-- and this weeks episode was one of the best!

To make the recap a short one, Blair and Dan team up to find Juliet and bring her down for attempting to ruin Serena's life.  They don't find her, but do end up finding Damien and Juliet's entire past in her hometown of Cornwall, CT.  Slowly, they piece together the history of how Juliet and Serena are connected, while Serena simultaneously fills in the holes to her psychiatrist during treatment regarding her past--starting with her betrayal of Blair which caused her to flee to CT to begin with, and ending with her return to New York.  The story in between detailed a relationship Serena attempted to persue with a teacher at her boarding school-- a teacher who turns out to be Juliet's older brother.

Flashback scene of Serena persuing her teacher, Mr. Donovan

When Lily uses the rumors to help improve Serena's school records to get her back into her school in New York, the plan backfires and the police become involved, which ends up with Lily signing her daughter's name on an affidavit stating that there was an improper relationship between her and the teacher.  On a plea bargain, Ben ended up in prison for five years, and Juliet was left vengeful over her brother's tarnished name.
All the detective work in CT is pretty pointless, however, because Juliet made her way back to New York to confront Serena once and for all and come clean about why she did what she did.  Serena realizes what her mother has done, and allows Juliet to get away before going to a business party at her mother's home being held by Lily and Chuck in regards to Bass Industries, and calls her out in front of everyone.  Lily admits what she did when confronted, and at first has Chuck coming to her defense, until Rufus steps forward and forces Lily to admit she was going to be selling Bass Industries--exactly the opposite of what she had told Chuck that she planned on doing just earlier in the day.  Thus begins the fall of Lily Van der Woodsen/Bass/Humphrey, and the start of what is likely going to turn out to be alot more trouble for Chuck-- as it seems like he has every intention of getting ahold of his Uncle Jack to stop the sale of Bass Industries.  As Blair warned, Jack can't be trusted, so it will be interesting to see what the next few episodes have in store.

Juliet coming clean, and getting away with it all

Long recap, but ALOT happened on this episode.

Tuesday was another night alone, and after work and school work, I decided to wind down with some red wine and a little Sixteen and Pregnant.  There's really no need for a recap of this episode; completely boring up until about the end.  I think the biggest thing I learned is that the stereotypical Southern accent DEFINITELY comes from Alabama.  So, a quick and dirty for you:  Southern pageant girl.  Supportive boyfriend. Supportive parents. No risk of not graduating.  No risk of giving up secondary education.  Baby daddy proposes.  Southern pageant queen accepts.  Premature delivery.  Healthy baby boy.  Baby daddy is helpful.  Family is helpful.  Baby daddy wants own house.  Southern Beauty queen has a brain.  Refuses to leave stability for instability.

The only thing of interest on this episode, besides the fact that yet ANOTHER teenage girl either agrees to or gets married on the show, is that this girl was actually idiotic enough to climb on top a horse with a four week old baby who was born prematurely no less!

She practically laid on top of that baby to climb on that horse.
Photo from MTV.com

Wednesday, Tony came home from Aberdeen early, so I've been spending the remainder of my week with him!  We did end up watching our favorite shows as of now through the week.  I'll recap them both, because writing this is just taking me forever.

On The Challenge, Laurel once again just annoyed the crap out of me.  That girl talks ALOT of shit.  I seriously can't stand her.  The whole thing was this huge bitch fest where she talked down to Cara Maria as usual instead of just ACTUALLY performing better.  Honey, there is a reason why SARAH is your only friend, because SARAH is right up there with you in being ridiculously annoying as fuck.

Photo from MTV.com

Nothing really else to say, other than two "to be continued" episodes in a row is kinda lame!  But we're reaching the end soon.  I like these shows because they involve an elaborate game, but then you end up watching The Real World because you want to know who that is when they show up on a challenge. 

Thursday, we picked up some champagne and watched the new episode of The Office!  I am a huge fan of the show, although I haven't really mentioned anything quite yet.  I even own the first three box sets on DVD, and record old episodes on my DVR.  I'm so sad it's Steve Carell's last season.  Every episode I'm afraid it could be his last, haha.  Tonight was a new Christmas episode, and I was so glad because Holly was in it.  It wasn't especially happy, but I've waited awhile for Holly to come back!

Holly returns!

I didn't really like the whole snowball thing through the episode.  I laughed when he threw the snowball in Dwight's face, and at the end with the snowmen, but the buildup to the ending was just weird... one one hand, I like that it broke the mold of Jim playing stupid tricks on Dwight, but on the other, the prank just seemed to be alot more brutal, which I know was the point, but I guess the only thing that got me is that it was so uncomfortable to watch, and normally, I can still find the things Dwight says and does funny, but this time, I didn't.  Kind of weird.

Darryl's storyline was really sad too, but I'm glad that it ended up having that same Office ending I love.  That little girl was cute too, and Andy didn't fail as the guy with good intentions who always seems to mess things up.  I'm excited to see what happens next, especially since Holly is here to stay for awhile!  I really want to see how this "ultimatum" issue pans out.

And in between all of that, we have gotten ridiculously drunk and watched Christmas movies and Harry potter movies.  Definitely making the most of our long weekend!  Last night we bought everything we needed for Tequila Sunrises, and tonight, we plan on getting our drink on.  I was supposed to work today, but even though I went to bed to a street with no snow last night, when I awoke this morning, there was a blizzard happening!  It's still going on right now.  So at least we have plenty of entertainment tonight!

Back to spending time with my boo.  I'll do my best to keep up better.

Oh, and I've FINALLY listened to Loud.  My thoughts coming soon, hahaha

Until then--

I am so fucking frustrated right now. Family drama.

My mother's side of the family consists of 9 kids (wide range of age difference!). Her oldest sibling, my auntie, took in a foster child before I was even born. We all have known her our whole lives as our cousin, but were apparently unaware that a couple of our other aunts did not consider her a part of our family.

My cousin lived with my aunt until she was an adult. When my grandmother was alive, she had all of her grandchildren's pictures lined up on the wall in order of age. She was included. Until the day she died, my grandmother considered her a part of our family. The day she died, things blew up.

The aunties of ours that did not consider her family made a huge scene about it at her funeral. Since that fight, we haven't had a family get together that wasn't organized by one of my great aunts for the ENTIRE family - (think hundreds of people). My other cousins and I ignored alot of this babble, partly because we were all still kids (Even me- I was a freshman in high school).

Flash forward to the invention of Facebook. Now, flash forward to the invention of Facebook Groups (where you can add members of your friends list to a certain group). I made a group called family, and added all of my family to it that was on my friends list, not only from my mother's side but also my father's side.

Today, one of my aunts posted the following:

"XXX XXXX (name withheld, considering I think she's been humiliated enough) is NOT a part of this family."

This infuriated me, b/c frankly, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHO YOU THINK SHOULD BE IN MY GROUP! It's MINE! Key word is MINE!

But, I replied very nicely, and said, "I am not going to play the exclusion game here.  Sorry."

To which another one of my aunts replied back with a paragraph of how she thought this group was for "family" and not "family and friends and whoever else".

This set me off, along with a few of my other cousins, who assisted me in performing the bitch out of a lifetime.  I'm ashamed that these people are my relatives-- how is it that nine adults ALL over age 30 can't possibly figure out how to get along, when their children, totaling a number of 18 (and some with kids of their OWN even!) can ALL get along just fine?

It's just so disgusting to me that these people are acting like we have some sort of royal bloodline that needs to be preserved, and because my cousin isn't my aunt's birth child and my aunt never formally adopted her, that we should just forget about her because she's "not real family".

This really gets to me, because my father is not my biological father.  He is the biological father of my brother and sisters (except my youngest brother, who is my mother's and her ex's from after the divorce), but I was conceived before they were married, and my genes are from someone else.  This means that all the aunts and uncles on my dad's side I am technically not related to at all.  Even my brother and sister -- who are my dad's with his long time partner-- share not one drop of blood with me.  But all of these people are my family.  They are my brother and sister, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my grandparents, and it hurts to imagine what it would be like if even one of them held the belief that I didn't belong because I'm not biologically his.

I feel for my cousin because of this, and I can't imagine how it must feel for her to really lack a strong family base, then be placed in a home where you are given all the love and attention you deserve to have, surrounded by family, only to have people decide that you aren't allowed to be a part of it.  My heart aches for her, and I feel like the least I could do is stand up for her.

She deserves it.

Today we got the last large fishtank from our old apartment into our new one!  Tony is setting it up now and I can't wait to have everything finally together.  I've been avoiding hanging paintings and what not because we didn't have all our furniture here.  I know it seems like we should be able to have everything situated in just a matter of a few weeks, but this month has not been the best for us--money and time wise!

First-- The night BEFORE our move in day I ruined my transmission which ended up costing me about $1,200 to fix.  Goodbye, apartment decorating money.  Also made it so I had to be to work early and wait to be picked up when done.  Not having your own car when you are used to it can be really inconvenient.

Then-- the first two weeks of the month were slow weeks for Tony's uncle's business, so even less money than we thought we'd have. (Tony works for his uncle who has his own carpentry business.)

Just when we started to worry though, things started picking up and Tony spent the last week working 12 hour days nearly every day.  He even had worked the Saturday and Sunday before!  By the middle of the week, he and his uncle had gotten another job in Aberdeen, three hours away, and Tony will have to be gone from early tomorrow morning until Friday or Saturday--yes, over Thanksgiving!  Sane thing will be happening next week.

Add into all of that time consumption that I am a full time business student (my Junior year, the hardest year for high school AND college) PLUS midterms for the quarter fell during this week on top of my full time job and still trying to have time to make dinner, keep the apartment tidy, exercise, give plenty attention to my kitty Zuma, and sleep, I'm going to give myself a pass for not having everything together right away.

But just think -- when it's FINALLY together -- all the art work is hung, everything in its rightful place, I'm finally going to have time to start reading obsessively again and finishing the painting series I started.

Speaking of art, along with my painting series, I have an idea for an open face box sculpture set that I can't wait to get started on.  I also am on the lookout for another jewelry box for the next in my closed box sculpture.  Ideally I'll end that series with seven pieces, but considering I've only finished two in the last five years, I don't see that happening any time soon.  Even when inspiration strikes, finding the time just seems impossible.

Well tonight, I'm going to go to bed by Midnight.  Since Tony is going to be gone all week, I want to surprise him by having our place completely together, and ideally be making our late Thanksgiving dinner when he arrives!  Feminists would scoff at this, but my goal in life since I was a girl was to be a stay at home mom, who paints and writes for additional income.  I've always wanted to be a mother-- I can't think of any job I have wanted more than I have wanted to have that.  Nothing in the workforce to me can possibly compare to that.  I only go to school and study Human Resource Management as a back up plan-- in case it just isn't in the cards for me to be that stay at home mom, or, if it does happen, and something happens to ruin the situation - divorce, death, etc, I have something to fall back on.  Not having anything of my own when I first ventured out in the world (and by first, I mean in 2008-- see last post) have made me determined to never be in that position again.  Somehow, I just feel destined that my job will be to be a mother and a mother only, but that I will still be successful doing something I love.  Since I love art, and writing, I can only hope that one of those passions develops into something that will work for me.  I don't think I'd be miserable working a 9-5 HR job, but if I had the choice between doing that and living comfortably, or being a stay at home mom living comfortable and writing and painting in her free time, obviously I'd choose the later.

But if I want to get to bed before midnight, I better sign off now.

Until then--

Ugh I've had no time to blog!  This week is the last week that we have to have our old apartment clean for inspection so I can hopefully get most of my deposit back.  It was really sad being there today-- I'm happy in my new apartment, but I couldn't help thinking about May 2008 that I first moved in.

I had broken up with my ex-fiance only a month and a half earlier and it was the first time I was moving into a place of my own--well, with my new roommate at least.  My friend was looking for a new place to live too at the time, so we decided to live together.  But her lease wasn't up until the end of June, so I had a month of the apartment to myself.  When I moved in, I had an air mattress, my lap top, a desk and TV I had bought from Walmart and a wood storage table to put all my art supplies inside.  There was no furniture in the living room, and I wasn't going to hook up Cable and Internet until my roommate was moved in, so my entertainment included my books, the first season of Weeds and the first three seasons of The Office on DVD, a handful of movies, and my art supplies.

Also during this time, I was freshly into a new romance, and was just starting to meet and get to know his friends.  It's hard for me to try to describe the words I was feeling at that time.  Maybe exciting?  I'm not sure.  I just know that when I look back, I can feel those same feelings again.  I can smell the same fresh spring smell, I can remember how good the weather felt outside.  Most importantly, I think about having my best friend  right down the street.

Boo, (my bestie) me, and Tracy (my roomie)

Life is so different from how it was then.  But it can't stay the same, everyone knows that.  By the end of my stay 2 and a half years later, we couldn't wait to get out.  My new apartment though, is a new adventure.  Now, I just need to finally move in.  I think I'll need to finish getting my art hung up to do that.  It's time to move forward, but when I remember that place, I'll remember how it was when I first moved in to my last home.  That feeling is the best feeling in the world.

Till then--