Time to let it out.

I have been feeling so lonely.

People have talked for ages about how once they got pregnant, it seemed like no one was interested in being around them anymore.  I didn't think much of it--in fact, I was pretty much one that just kept about my life and kept doing the things I always did, which was going out to drink and party.

My moment of realization was when I was in Phoenix.  A few entries ago, I talked about how annoyed I was with my best friend's roommate, how she was ALWAYS THERE, and I felt like she was the reason that I only really spent two days of the trip actually hanging out together, and the rest of the trip was spent with her.  I think what I just didn't want to admit to myself is that I wasn't mad at her roommate, I was mad at her.  I was and still kind of am mad at her, for lack of better terms, for ditching me to go party.

I'm a reasonable girl.  I admit that this isn't her baby.  I admit that its not her responsibility to change what she does because of me.  But I do wish that if she didn't want me to be there, that if I was just going to cramp her weekend style, that she wouldn't have seemed so gung ho and excited for me to visit.  That Saturday night was supposed to be our girls night.  We were going to do our nails together and watch chick flicks.  I thought we'd be hanging out until we passed out.  Instead, we did our nails together with The Soup playing in the background, while her roommate sat there clearly bored waiting for her to decide that they were going to go.  I realized then that the plan wasn't to have a girls night with me, it was to placate me until they thought I'd be so tired I wouldn't mind they were leaving to go have "real" fun.  It was a fucking pity party.  NOT ONCE, through my whole pregnancy, have I felt like a burden upon anyone, or did I mind missing out on things like that.  What did I care?  I'm having a baby, the most joyous thing in the world, right?  But that night, I was something to deal with.  Someone that they HAD to hang out with for awhile.

Now that I'm home, I can't help but notice every single person that more or less avoids me now that I'm pregnant.  I can't help but notice the things I don't get invited to, and more importantly, the things that Tony does now that I know I'm not welcome to do.

His best friend calls him EVERY SINGLE NIGHT to come over and drink, smoke, and hang out with him.  I'm never invited.  And why would I be?  I'm just the pregnant girl.  I can't drink, I can't smoke, and I'm sensible enough to know I wouldn't have fun being the sober one.  I KNOW THIS.

But it still FUCKING HURTS.  It hurts that no one calls and asks to hang out with me for a few hours.  That now that I'm pregnant I'm basically dead in the eyes of so many people.  I can't help but resent the fact that most of the other people I know that are pregnant right now or have been pregnant recently are married and whose friends aren't doing what they should be in their twenties.  I hate that I feel so pathetic that its like no one wants to be around me.  And I can't blame them for it.  I was just like them.  I didn't get it.  Now I get it.

I can tell I annoy Tony when I get upset that he leaves to go hang out for a bit.  I see it in his face; he doesn't want to be made to feel badly about having a social life.  But why doesn't he understand that everytime he goes, I feel badly about NOT having one?  That I feel so pathetic that no one wants to be my friend anymore, and no one wants to be around me and when he goes I feel like he doesn't even want to be around me, that being with the person that he made a baby with isn't nearly as fun as going to party for a couple hours with his boys.  Its not fucking fair.  Its just NOT FUCKING FAIR.  Is it so terrible that I want someone to want to be around me?  I don't want company, I WANT TO BE WANTED.

I want to feel... not so lonely anymore.

Until then--

I got a new kitty!!!!!!!!!!

His name is Louie and he's the CUTEST thing!  A week before our three year anniversary Tony told me that he was planning on surprising me with a kitten!  Only he couldn't keep it a secret anymore he was just that excited.  He showed me the kitten that he was looking at on Craigslist and I was so pumped!

So Tony emailed them and we didn't hear back the rest of the night.  The next morning when I looked at the posting on Craigslist it was GONE.  SO SAD!  I seriously thought I was going to cry and almost did (pregnancy horomones), and then shortly thereafter we got the email from them saying that unfortunately the kitten had already found a home.  I was so crushed.

That very day we started looking online at the Humane Society website for our area to look into the kittens they had available.  Right away I noticed they had a litter of young kittens that were dropped off late April that were part orange part white and so adorable!  They had video's posted of them too and they looked so cuddly and cute!  So we went to the Humane Society to play with them and see if we liked any of them.  When we looked online there were three orange kittens left, but when we got there, there was just one!  He was curled up asleep next to a gray and white kitten, and there were two darker tiger stripped kittens that were going wild trying to get into our laps!  Both of those kittens had nasty colds though, and I didn't like how desperate for attention they were already acting.

We woke up the orange and white guy and played with him a bit, and he seemed to be a bit playful and sleepy at the same time, but an overall sweetheart!  We also looked at the older cats and played with the other kittens, but as soon as we had played with the orange and white kitten, we knew we had found the perfect guy for us!

So we adopted him and brought him home, and put him into the spare room to get him acclimated before we released him to deal with Zuma, who can be quite testy at times.  We also brought him home with a slight runny eye so we knew he would probably develop a "kitty cold" as well like the other kittens in his area had.  I took him to the vet the next day and ensured that he didn't have any fatal diseases and to make sure his cold was just a cold.  The vet said he should be fine within a few weeks but if he started to get sick, to call them to get him some antibiotics.  So far he's been happy and playful, and eats a ton.

The first night, he was really needy, crying all the time and obviously scared of his new home.  By the second night, after his vet visit, we introduced him to Zuma, who wasn't impressed at first, but then slowly warmed up to him, and now they play great!  She is always letting him know who the Queen is though, and doesn't let him forget it!

So, without further ado... Louie!

Asleep on the cat tower that Zuma never uses, believe me she wanted to use it as soon as he started to though!

Good morning!  See his runny eye?  Poor thing!  Hope his cold clears up soon.

Tony is doing something to get his attention...

But now attention is focused back on mommy!

Sleeping on the kitchen chair, one of his favorite places

So innocent looking!

After his first night home.  He cried SO much that I had to bring blankets and pillows into his room and sleep on the floor with him to get him to stop crying.  The next night he slept with us, and by the next night Zuma was being nice to him, so he was able to sleep in his cat bed in the living room.

FEATHER TOY!

Crashed out on Tony's chest, they are quite the buddies.

Zuma cleaning him, until she noticed that someone saw her being nice and promptly vacated the scene.

Here are the very limited pictures I took in AZ.  Tony took a few on our hike but he has yet to upload them or post them up for me, so I'll probably post those later.

In front of this fountain scene in my sexy blue dress :P

Awkward cuddling, lolol

And the bump emerges.  Funny thing about this picture is that i had a print made from Snapfish and they COMPLETELY cut off Tony's head in it!  So irritating, he's tall, but not THAT tall!

My pale ass displaying my badass new earrings from this cute store at Fashion Square in Scottsdale.

And because I'm starting to feel lazy, my newest nail shots. They are newspaper nails!  I got the idea from an article a friend posted on Facebook.  Basically you paint your nails any light color (I picked a VERY pale purple color called purple cloud by Sally Hansen Manicure) and then take newspaper clippings, (obviously you need to use small clippings or your going to have this HUGE newspaper wrapped around your nail, and soak tissue or a cotton ball in rubbing alcohol and put it on the back of the newspaper and the print will just transfer off onto your nail!  Its backwards of course, but looks really cool.  Just don't forget to put a clear topcoat on it or you'll smear newsprint all over yourself.

Far away...

Closer look!  With an attempt to cover the remainder of a nasty preggo zit I got on my chin.  LOL

Both hands!  Still covering the offending blemish on my face. :)

Well, that's all I have until now.

Until then-- (whenever then is)

So not long after my last posting, Tony came home since I texted him and told him I by myself.  I'm glad he was sweet enough to consider that I was by myself.

On Mother's Day, Tony was finally able to feel the baby kick from the outside!  Baby gets stronger and stronger each day, I can't wait to see his little face in September. :)

I had a good time in Phoenix, but I really wish that I could have spent more time with my best friend.  At first, I was surprised that her roommate and closest friend from growing up in Omaha didn't seem to be around my the first couple days.  I even said to her, "Wow, I'm surprised I haven't seen her once."  Jinx.  After that, it seemed like any time I saw Becca, there she was.  I never really minded her before, probably because when I saw her, she was visiting here when Becca lived here, and in essence, she was on my turf.  This time though, it was the other way around--it's like, I'm only here for five days, and she's constantly there, talking about what they're going to do last week, what this friend of theirs or that friend of theirs was doing, and staring at me like I was some idiot intruding on their space.

Maybe I should have just said something to Becca, but I didn't want to start drama.  It really made me feel so distant from her, like I didn't fit into her world anymore, and her friend was out to make sure that I knew it.  I think that's why it hurt when she left that night to go out and drink with her.  I felt like I was putting her out by just being in town and being pregnant.  It really hurt.  Coming home this time around was really bittersweet.  She'll always be my best friend, and her family like a second family to me.  I just hate feeling like we're moving in two very opposite directions.  I know that this baby is a huge change, and a positive one for me, I would just really hate for him to be the reason why there is a disconnect with one of the most important people in my life.

When we got home, it was close to 8 our time, so we didn't do much other than catch up on shows we had missed while we were gone and sleep.   We both took the day off today, and got A LOT done.  Besides basic tidying up, we managed to get alot of the baby's room organized and cleaned out, and made space on our bookshelf for his books.  We want to get him a brand new crib, and a little dresser for his clothes.  His bedroom will turn out quite nicely when we're done, I think.

After that we went to the grocery store and got food for the week.  I'm focused on being sure to eat healthy foods from here on out.  After visiting the grocery store, we stopped at Wal-mart to pick up a few non-food items, such as a new pitcher to make juices and tea in, a paper shredder, new sink guards, and some food for Zuma.  As soon as I got everything put away, Tony went to a friends house to hang out, and I started making dinner.

I started with making homemade tortilla chips (yum!).  That took me about half an hour, after which I texted Tony and told him that dinner would be ready in about 20 minutes.  He said he'd be there soon.  I grilled chicken in lime juice, steamed broccoli and topped it with cheese, washed some strawberries, and topped it off with some pink lemonade that I made in my new pitcher.  The dinner was really cute!  I put alot of effort into it and made the table look really nice--strawberries into cute bowls, folded the napkins nice, and even chilled the glasses for the lemonade.

Frustratingly, Tony was late for dinner.  I really hate sometimes when he goes off with friends and seems to lose track of time, especially since I spent so much time and put so much effort into dinner.  I probably shouldn't complain, he's always so supportive and there for me and I don't want to make it sound like he isn't by any means, but we all have things that we wish were a little better, don't we?

I'm just in a melencholy mood tonight.  Hopefully I'll be in a bit of a better mood in my next post.  I'll also try to put up Phoenix pictures.  There isn't alot-- we didn't really take much, especially since I have a complex about "looking like a tourist".  But there are some. :)

Until then--

Its nights like this that I don't know how to express how I feel.  I'm not sure if I feel sad about being pregnant, or just being a woman in particular.

I am in Phoenix, visiting my best friend.  But I'm alone right now, because I am pregnant.

Tony is out with his cousin, and I thought I would be OK with it because I wouldn't be alone... I didn't consider that Becca would probably go out too.  I didn't consider that I would be constantly reminded of all the things I could not do; that everyone else can do.  I can't drink, I can't seem to do much of anything without having to use the bathroom every half hour.

I can't help but feel resentful of the fact that it took two of us to make this baby, but the one who has to change is me.  I don't want to be the one to tell anyone what they can and can't do.  But how come I'm the only one who is limited?  How come I have to stay home alone?  I know I'm being so melodramatic--its just one night, after all. 

I just feel so alone.